Month of Doubt

lets see...still no power at my house. I dont mind being cold...thats totally not the issue. Its the fact when I go home I cant clean or do anything. Nobody talks to me there and I cant even get online to talk to anyone. This is why I think "death row" inmates should be given a cell with a window, no light other than natural, and no power. They cannot have contact except for cell maintenance (toiletry and such) and food. Its a real killer in itself. Seeing as this is America of course they will have to have heating and air...but thats it.

Imagine how much money that would save.

And I severely want to move...or need to. Since it will be me and some other person that is likely Adam, I probably cannot take rats. Its a hard decision but...its probably whats best. I mean I could take em...theyre only costing me like $30 a year to feed and with a job I could afford to get bedding which could be....$20 for 40lbs of bedding that can be kept in a cage for 3 weeks...theoretically I can keep em.

hah nevermind then

Animals arent even the biggest problem. There are quite a few places that wont charge me extra for them.

Biggest are utilities and rent lol.

The cheapest place in the entire city is $450 not including trash which most apartments include. It is a tiny studio downtown.

I wouldnt be so concerned about power if I lived alone. I mean if most of you have spent more than a day with me, youd know I never think of turning on the heater and only turn on the a/c when Im about to pass out. I dont watch tv so....

My dearest Adam loves xbox...a huge expense when it comes to saving cash. This means operating a tv and a system.

Dearest Adam will have to learn to love games a little less...spoils cant be kept up in a tight situation.

On top of me needing to move, my ID is lost. What can someone do with it? Well I dunno. I dont think anyone looks like me and Im under 21. My issue is getting a replacement...yikes! I dont have the money to do that plus will have family yelling about how irresponsible I am and always will be.

Even though my sister lost like...5 drivers license before she hit 18. This is my 2nd ID...my first expired.

Another reason why I need to move out. Im not a toilet and wont continually take all their shit.

By the way its settled. When I get rich I want a toto or some type of power flush toilet.

Totos now have a quiet lit so if it falls or someone tends to slam them down, instead it has a motor or something to lower it.

or a dual flush. We dont need that much water to flush urine.

or a power dual flush XDD

chea.

ANYWAYS.

Library card is also gone. The rest of my cards I dont think anyone cares about. A marrow donor card, a petco card, a petsmart card (both places I rarely shop at anymore), and a blood source card.

XD

Man I think stress is making me sick.

my biggest stress inducer right now...is my dearest golden. I feel like Im a tossed to the side toy right now. I know I shouldnt feel that way but I do.

=[

toto with heated seat and warm water wash if you get what I mean.

It takes your shit XD

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insert female hygiene product

its 3:01 Am...

well this blog didnt really have a name...its a ladys blog though...well not really. I guess everyone can tune in.

So the first female hygiene product is douche bag. Not that I would ever use one of these scary things...theyre bad for you so you shouldnt use them either (or if a guy, your future girlfriend, daughter, mother...)

Its about a guy. A few years ago....oh I dunno lets say...2007...cause Im pretty sure it was 2007 one of my old best friends got with this guy. They were completely ? and living happily ever after from an outsider point of view.

Mind you its around 3:00 AM

He told her not too long ago that he just doesnt feel ready for a relationship.

-_-

Its been three years and it took him that long??

I know from being there and having my ? completely shattered too...except that was after four years. The longer it has been, the worse it feels.

*sigh*

I remember around the 2nd month I was with Adam I asked what he wanted. I knew what I wanted from him but dared not to step back on grounds and have my heart smashed all over again. After all, it had only been a year and a half prior to that conversation that my wonderful ex fiancé left me for his vocal teacher (and what made me feel worse was he told me he wanted to learn to sing so I was the one that suggesting getting vocal lessons in the first place)

But yeah...I asked in fear of getting close just to be hurt again. And honestly I think anyone that has ever been in love and then suffered from an extremely broken heart has that fear.

I never take my relationships for granted...which is sometimes an issue I believe. Its the fact that I listen to those little things. When Adam says "oh thank you so much for putting my plate away," it means more to me than having some famous person calling me beautiful. So naturally when he says some more negative things, my brain takes the information and digests it...seriously. Of course this isnt the same as being called fat or anything. I digest that but I know I can change it and WILL. Its when I feel like I try my hardest and the only teachings I get are negative feedback do I wrap myself around the anxiety pole. So take note of this Adam...if youre reading.

Next female hygiene product...as well as the one after, are actual talks of female hygiene products. So ya men can either sit and ponder or look away. This blog is being posted BECAUSE it is the third hour of the day and I cannot seem to sleep.

So first for some negativity.

In high school, I used a lovely product called the Diva cup. It is a menstrual cup. Well Im bad at defining those so here. An accurate definition from Wikipedia.

A menstrual cup is a type of cup or barrier worn inside the vagina during menstruation to collect menstrual fluid.

Yup. Sounds gross? Well its basically like a tampon but doesnt absorb, making it healthier for your vaginal system. On top of that, it can be kept in for 12 hours. They can hold a lot. I mean...I have NEVER filled one except this one time during heavy flow when I slept for almost 16 hours.

oops

Its not the only brand. There are others such as Moon Cup and The Keeper. I think I honestly chose Diva Cup cause....its prettier

XD

I started using them cause I had a bad reaction to tampons but wanted something comfortable to go horse riding with. and well...tada! I had mine for a good three years till I dropped it in the high school bathroom. Like a smart girl I had a back up, but was still major depressed. I mean I was just visiting and thats what I get??? Whats my point of posting this? Well here is the negative part. I have my lovely IUD and apparently there can be complications with using the cup and IUD together, typically with pulling the IUD string which can cause all sorts of problems. My string actually curls....sometimes. Its that sometimes part that gets me.

*tears*

Well I decided that if I move out again, there is no way I want to spend money on buying pads again. I was waaay too spoiled with a reusable product. So I decided to check out cloth pads. $200 for a product that typically lasts five years (well actually...thats the price for six night time hemps and 15 regular organic hemps). We have a winner. Not only is it cheaper for me (which is important when youd be living paycheck to paycheck) but its...cheaper! On top of that I can adjust how much it absorbs. YAY.

ok...end blog

3:35 AM...Im going home and sleeping in my 40*f house...to clean when the sun gets up

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